did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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