The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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