Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
