Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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