I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
