I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
