I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
