Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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