I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
