My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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