i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
