I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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