I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize