there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
