Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
