I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
