You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
