Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Randomize
