i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
