He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
