Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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