So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I FOUND THE LEGS
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
