That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I need to sanitize my soul.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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