Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
