im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
your room smells of hookers.
And success
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
