Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
