K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
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