Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
