Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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