I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
