He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize