Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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