are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
