How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
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