u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
