Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
