About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
