My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
