I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
