You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I would fuck him just for his dog
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