Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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