yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
