I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
