so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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