What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Randomize