Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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