Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
