I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
