You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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