Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
This beer is not sobering me up at all
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
