On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
