my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
