So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize