every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
