I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Randomize
