apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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