Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
