We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
