I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
