remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
